Lessons Learnt- An Enigma!

 When I look at myself in a mirror, I try to reason with myself on several occasions; occasions that not only require self-introspection but also demand answers to various questions. I strongly feel torn between idealism and skepticism by huge amounts. What perturbs me the most is to find my “perfectly normal” that seems far-fetched. It looks unjust to hold my truth and disown others’ but does it in any possible way diminish my own tribulations, my hardships, my life!

I feel indebted to people to who I belong to and so do others. I adore the adorable and so do they. But is my truth convoluted to not qualify for any mercy or solace, I ponder? Why do I need to behold the remnants of the wrecked ship and proclaim victorious when the battle was never won; when there was no peace and proximity wrested? I look back on those times when life bloomed with happiness galore and solidarity consolidated. Could someone check how fragile it was and how inconsiderate we were to diminish it with utmost passion? The passion that could have been used downstream to consolidate the unconsolidated. I demand answers from myself today. Was the need for equilibrium too demanding to not have been considered? Why do we try to make people any better when we have so many anomalies in our own construct and we turn a blind eye towards them with sheer grit? Grit that could have been used to channel the unchanneled aspects of one’s own life; one’s own questionable existence that needed self pondering and introspection of the highest order.

I feel pain when I think of the times that gleamed in hope. I call them bygones. I see myself in different lights and tones. Thoughts are twinkling and so am I. Uncertainties do not inhibit me from taking leaps. I see all colors around me-red, green, blue, yellow, and so on. The choice becomes a privilege and colors are taken for granted. Colors shine loud and bright but lose luster when subjected to too much brightness. Don’t they? The answer is known!

I doubt myself when I look around and find so much better which often in itself is rare. A rarity that is not at the very inception but towards its intended goal. I might ask myself if goodness is relative? I might question if goodness can be cultured and we can all be its proud owners but I still need to decide its matrix and whether your good is any better than mine and I can hone my goodness by any means. Does anybody get me? My reflection is constantly bombarding me with questions such as these. It seems that you cannot escape your own two-faced- beautiful and ugly truths. Can you?

I go a little deeper and find another layer of me. Oh, is it the actual me? Why does it scream so loud and clear only when I try to contemplate?

Is it otherwise not fit enough to be me?  They call me a lost soul and I laugh at their laughter!

Thank you :)